It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
