she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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