He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
