i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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