it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
