I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
