He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
