You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
