I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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