I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My cat gives me a boner
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
All I want is dick and wine.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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