I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
