Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
