it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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