I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
