She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
