I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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