the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
