Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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