She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
