opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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