The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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