Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
