I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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