Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
one two three fourrrrnication!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
