I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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