i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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