My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
