my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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