my phone needs a breathalizer
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
