he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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