Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Found your dick twin last night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
