fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
