I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
