my vag is so smooth its legendary
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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