Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
