the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
