HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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