oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Semen is not good for contacts.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
