you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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