You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Operation Purity has been aborted
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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