so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
