Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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