I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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