You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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