So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
