I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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