I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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