That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
