btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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