Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
