why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
