I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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