how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
