At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
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