what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
