So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I love having hate sex.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
