as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
