I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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