listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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