when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
